Post by Doug Elrod
Just imagine how different "The Wizard of Oz" would have been!
"Time for go to storm cellar?"
P.S. "The Soup" (see reruns this week on the E! channel) had a guest appearance by Paul Feig this week. Not only was he *funny*, but his last name is pronounced "FEEG"! Who knew?
Now I am imagining Tor Johnson with a blonde pigtail wig (kind of looking like the WENDYS mascot) carrying Toto with him in a basket.
It really reimagines the key scenes with a more hilarious edge.
Tor-Dorothy Gale lands in her house, smashing one of the witches.
Glinda the Ambiguous Witch comes down from the sky in a bubble, enchants the dead witches's shoes onto Tor-Dorothy's feet, which then creak and immediately break at the heels. The tops of the slippers rip open. So Glinda enchants the shoes into flat-sole boots with buckles.
The Wicked Witch of the West pops into Munchkin Land in a cloud of black smoke. Declares, "YOU KILLED MY SISTER! GIVE ME BACK MY RUBY SLIPPERS!" (slow pan up from Tor-Dorothy's chest to his face -- witch's facial expression changes from amusement to stunned horror).
At the crossroads near the cornfield, Tor-Dorothy encounters the scarecrow. He does his song, which bores Tor-Dorothy as his expression grows slightly angry. So Tor-Dorothy rips the entire pole-cross of wood from the ground and drags The Scarecrow along like one would a person on a crude one-man stretcher.
Which leads to the Apple Orchard scene where Tor-Dorothy picks an apple and notes, "Hungry". The sentient apple trees declare, "How would you like it if someone picked your apples?!?" as they throw their apples hard at Tor-Dorothy. Tor-Dorothy states, "Hungry, hungry." Walks over to the insulting apple tree, shakes it hard enough for all the apples to fall, then he rips the tree up from the roots and throws it over into the Yellow Brick Road. Then he hears, whispered loudly, "OIL CAN OIL CAN". Tor-Dorothy walks over, thumps the Tin Woodsman on the chest, leaving a deep dent, hears the hollow sound, says, "I FIX". He walks over to the oil can, picks it up, walks back to the Tin Woodsman, and rips the lower jaw off of the face and squeezes the oil can so it is crushed and oil oozes from it into the Tin Woodsman's mouth. The Tin Woodsman begins to cycle through the moves he can do and begins to sing, but is stopped when he realizes he no longer has a jaw. Tor-Dorothy states, "YOU FIXED. WE GO NOW." The Tin Woodsman picks up his axe and Tor-Dorothy crushes the Tin Woodsman's arms like tin foil. Tor-Dorothy wraps the Tin Woodsman around The Scarecrow and he drags the duo behind him, on the rapidly eroded pole-cross.
Further in the woods, the woods begin to roar and howl. Tor-Dorothy looks confused until The Cowardly Lion leaps out. The Cowardly Lion begins his song & dance about needing "courage" until Tor-Dorothy steps forward, punches the Cowardly Lion in the gut and strangles him. Declaring "Tor-Dorothy COLD", wraps the corpse of the Cowardly Lion around chest like a fur vest. And he begins to move forward, but is assaulted by Flying Monkeys sent by the Wicked Witch. They try to grab The Scarecrow & Tin Woodsman pole-cross but Tor-Dorothy just uses it like a flyswatter. Any Flying Monkeys that actually touch Tor-Dorothy are either crushed, stomped, swatted, or flung hard into trees. They do manage to make off with the dog Toto.
(Shall I continue?)