Discussion:
MiSTed: You password must be need changed (your password:group2) [ 0 /
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Joseph Nebus
2018-12-31 08:43:33 UTC
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[ THEATER. ALL file in. ]
Subject: You password must be need changed (your password:group2)
TOM: Remember, you promised you'd walk and feed *and* change your password when we got you one!
Date: November 15, 2018 at 4:36:12 PM EST
CROW: Group 2 is the cool group. We don't need those Group 6 wieners.
Dear user of site.tld!
MIKE: Hi! Been a crazy year, hasn't it? So what've you been up to?
I am a spyware software developer.
TOM: Well I'm a level-12 half-orc mage so don't you go trying to beat my initiative roll.
Your account has been hacked by me in the summer of 2018.
CROW: Man, you wanna feel old? The summer of 2018 was *this* *year*.
I understand that it is hard to believe,
MIKE: But I can flare each nostril separately from the other!
TOM: [ Fumbling, feeble voice ] Um, heh, sorry, thought I had the thingy plugged in ... uh ... heh, see, it's a mini USB ... or micro ... uh, heheh ... maybe it's upside-dowooops, dropped it.
- I sent you this email from your account.
MIKE: It's asking you to celebrate someone's 'work anniversary' on LinkedIn for some reason?
TOM: Prices higher west of the Rocky Mountains.
The hacking was carried out using a hardware vulnerability through
which you went online
CROW: Yeah? Well I only respond to emotional vulnerability.
(Cisco router, vulnerability CVE-2018-0296).
MIKE: [ Military Nerd voice ] Excuse me but the CVE-2018-0296 is the USS Ranger, a Forrestal-class supercarrier with a displacement of 81,000 long tons under full load *thank* you.
I went around the security system in the router,
CROW: I jabbed my foot into an endtable.
installed an
exploit there.
TOM: Stepped on a Lego block ... you know, your security is pretty *good*, I have to say.
When you went online, my exploit downloaded my malicious code
MIKE: Well, it's not malicious so much as it is passive-aggressive code.
CROW: 'No, go ahead and read my page with the adblocker on, I'll be fine.'
(rootkit) to your device.
TOM: Hey, we're trying to stay PG here!
This is driver software,
CROW: This is driver software on drugs.
I constantly updated it,
MIKE: The only way to foil it is to hit 'postpone updates until tomorrow' every single day!
so your antivirus
is silent all time.
TOM: Your Antivirus Silent All-time Hall of Famers!
Since then I have been following you
CROW: Did you see me clicking like and share?
(I can connect to your device
via the VNC protocol).
MIKE: The VNC Protocol, starring Clint Eastwood, George Kennedy, and Vonetta McGee.
That is, I can see absolutely everything that you do, view and
download your files and any data to yourself.
TOM: [ Voice warbling ] Even my Knuckles/Marrissa Picard fanfic?
I also have access to the camera on your device,
[ CROW and TOM squirm, uncomfortable. MIKE looks up so as not to have to acknowledge either. ]
and I periodically
take photos and videos with you.
MIKE: [ As though reading a postcard ] Having wonderful time, wish I were here ...
At the moment, I have harvested a solid dirt...
TOM: [ Dramatic sting ] DUN-dun-dunnnnnnnn!
on you...
CROW: Gasp!
MIKE: Merciful heavens!
TOM: Oh, Professor Firefly!
I saved all your email and chats from your messangers.
MIKE: Your mess angers.
TOM: Your Me's Sangers.
I also saved
the entire history of the sites you visit.
TOM: You ah, got any copies of Web Site Number Nine kicking around there?
CROW: Your Mess an' Gers?
MIKE: Oh, you always want a plate of those if you go to a British pub.
I note that it is useless to change the passwords.
TOM: [ As Chico ] 'Swordfish'?
My malware update
passwords from your accounts every times.
CROW: Yeah? Well ... my festive clockwork bubbles from your kneepads every thermostat!
I know what you like hard funs (adult sites).
TOM: Ooh, hard funs?
MIKE: Yeah, those are the anise-tasting funs your gramma keeps in that glass dish on the coffee table that still smells like smoke even though she quit eighteen years ago.
[ TOM makes a little disappointed groan. ]
Oh, yes .. I'm know your secret life, which you are hiding from
everyone.
CROW: The weed of crime bears bitter fruit!
Oh my God, what are your like... I saw THIS ...
TOM: With a Hubbard squash?
MIKE: In the library?
CROW: On Professor Plum?
Oh, you dirty
naughty person ... :)
MIKE: [ As Elmer Fudd ] 'I'm just as God made me, sir .... hehehehehehehehe.'
I took photos and videos of your most passionate funs with adult
content,
TOM: Not my adult content! My automobile titles, my disclosure paperworks from the Dental Maintenance Organization. Ream after ream of cadastral maps for the properties I bought at the tax sale!
MIKE: Jeez, all *my* adult content is sad little grunts of pain after I kneel down and stand up again.
and synchronized them in real time with the image of your
camera.
MIKE: Who cares about images of my camera?
[ CROW and TOM hide down in their chairs. ]
Believe it turned out very high quality!
CROW: Sing the unwashed park bench gryphon!
So, to the business!
MIKE: [ As Adam West ] To the business-pole, old chum!
I'm sure you don't want to show these files and visiting history to
all your contacts.
TOM: *Including* that person at hotels dot com that dealt with your weird duplicate-loyalty-card nonsense.
[ CROW just bursts out laughing ]
1GXazHVQxxUdJpe62UFozFibPlor8ToDoUn3
[ CROW continues giggling ]
MIKE: Foz Fib Plor?
TOM: I'm trying to figure this as like a Fozzie Bear branded Mister Pibb but it's not coming together.
Just copy and paste the wallet number when transferring.
TOM: It's totally not the SimCity 2000 funding cheat code!
CROW: [ Still giggling ]
MIKE: You okay, buddy?
CROW: Yeah, I just, I mean, 848 dollars?
If you do not know how to do this - ask Google.
MIKE: Well, he was going to demand $849 but figured, why be greedy?
TOM: I heard he was looking for $847.74 but rounded up the dollar to donate to the local food bank.
CROW: Oh, well that's good of him, then.
My system automatically recognizes the translation.
MIKE: 'Translate from Latvian'? The heck?
As soon as the specified amount is received, all your data will be
destroyed from my server,
TOM: 'Because I'm dealing with this annoying ransomware hacker myself.'
and the rootkit will be automatically
removed from your system.
CROW: Thanks to my self-propelled technogarden trowel!
Do not worry, I really will delete everything,
MIKE: [ Warbly teenager voice ] E-e-everything?
TOM: 'Well, not your DVR. That you have to watch on your own.'
since I am 'working'
with many people who have fallen into your position.
CROW: Yeah, well, *I'm* taking pictures of you doing that on *your* web cam, how does *that* feel?
You will only have to inform your provider about the vulnerabilities
in the router so that other hackers will not use it.
MIKE: [ Extremely nerdy ] You know, even the most secure routers are vulnerable to a proton torpedo hitting their thermal exhaust port through a shaft right to the reactor system.
Since opening this letter you have 48 hours.
CROW: 49, if it's Daylight Saving Time.
If funds not will be received, after the specified time has elapsed,
TOM: I'll take $582.50 in bitcoin instead?
MIKE: How about $146 in dogecoin?
CROW: Would you believe what's left on a $20 Borders gift card and a 50-pfennig coin I got going to Oberammergau in 1990?
the disk of your device will be formatted,
MIKE: The format: Swiss-style match pairing, ten rounds or until 10:00.
and from my server will automatically send email and sms
TOM: Oh, I don't need all those sms, just send me one sm.
CROW: With sms an educated consumer is our best customer.
to all your
contacts with compromising material.
MIKE: It's not 'compromising', it's 'seeking a pragmatic, centrist solution'!
TOM: Bad praxis, Mike.
I advise you to remain prudent
CROW: When you're prudent, you make a prune out of dents.
[ MIKE sets a hand on CROW's shoulder. ]
and not engage in nonsense (all files
on my server).
MIKE: And all the ships at sea! Flash!
Good luck!
TOM: If Woody had gone right to the police, this would never have happened.
MIKE: C'mon, let's blow this popsicle stand.

[ ALL file out. ]

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Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its characters and setup and situations and all are the property of ... I guess it's Satellite of Love LLC? I'm not sure anymore. The original spam was sent to my love's work e-mail account so certain elements were modified so my love's IT department didn't get all cranky. It's not a Jonah script because I still haven't seen the Netflix series and while I started writing MiSTings after watching very few Joel and Mike episodes, 'a few' is still more than 'literally zero'. Anyway, thanks for reading and let's all have some hard funs, won't we?
I know what you like hard funs (adult sites).
--
Joseph Nebus
Math: What I Wrote in My 2018 Mathematics A To Z https://wp.me/p1RYhY-1B7
Humor: Some Unwise Resolutions https://wp.me/p37lb5-2o2
--------------------------------------------------------+---------------------
Heather Kendrick
2019-02-09 01:04:21 UTC
Permalink
Post by Joseph Nebus
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its characters and setup and situations and
all are the property of ... I guess it's Satellite of Love LLC? I'm not sure
anymore. The original spam was sent to my love's work e-mail account so
certain elements were modified so my love's IT department didn't get all
cranky. It's not a Jonah script because I still haven't seen the Netflix
series and while I started writing MiSTings after watching very few Joel and
Mike episodes, 'a few' is still more than 'literally zero'. Anyway, thanks
for reading and let's all have some hard funs, won't we?
I'm sorry for being so late to the party, dear, but... [clap clap clap clap]
--
BunnyHugger
The Devilbunny Philosopher
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